I think that...

working in a jewellery store is starting to kill me... And consequently drive Rory insane. Why? Because I work in a retail niche centered around romance, around committment and love and engagement and marriage. Two things I want more than anything, but Rory doesn't.

I don't know why I'm so impatient to move onto things like getting married... but I am. And it makes Rory uncomfortable, and I hate it.

Why can't I be patient? Why do I feel so insecure? Rory told me a couple weeks ago that he doesn't ever want to get married. I... I don't even really know why. He said something about how the government has more control over married couples or something weird like that... and I zoned out. Yes, I feel bad for zoning out. It just felt like a lot of things came crashing down around me, I think.

I mean, my entire life I've never questioned the idea that someday I would meet somebody, we'd fall in love and get married, etcetera. And now my friends and I are at the point where a lot of them (the Mormon ones I grew up with) are getting married. I'm sure that they'll be having kids soon, too.

And here I am. Still working on going back to school. And dating somebody who may not ever want to marry me, wouldn't want to make it "official" that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Please, please, don't get me wrong. I love Rory, with all my heart. He's incredible, he makes me feel special and loved and wanted. It's just hard to adjust to the fact that his life goals don't include the things that I've had as my biggest two for... well, my whole life. Two things that I eventually want to have happen ( but not quite yet! Some things can wait a few years, I don't want to rush into things THAT much!) just... won't happen at all.

I feel really out-of-balance. There's no real way to find any sort of compromise about it... I just got vetoed, that's all.

There's a part of me that thinks that I'm just being a total doormat by caving and giving up my desires in this regard. But... well, I'd rather have Rory, still be Andraea L. Patching, and be childless than not have him at all.